Before identifying as a D/s practitioner, the term masochism summoned up concrete words and thoughts – such as pain and trauma – any gratification experienced during pain was psychopathological in origin.
Culturally, I believe we are raised to fear pain (and fear acts that cause pain).
It’s bad. It’s wrong. And for sure, it’s perverted if you actually like pain.
I can understand how the ‘awareness-lacking’ concept of ‘masochism is pathological’ was founded – rooted in the fear of pain.
Many theories exist on how exactly one becomes masochistic (childhood abuse, hormonal influences in the central nervous system). But truly, how does one become a masochist? Are we born this way? Does our gender make a difference? How about our culture? Do we need to evaluate it from an anthropological, sociological, or psychological perspective?
I can’t help but reflect on my own experience.
I fear pain. Always have.
When I fantasized about life as a BDSM-practitioner (early in my learning = zero real-life experience), it always included being bound, by a strong dominant-type.
“Yes, you can tie me up, but not too tightly, not too securely, it can’t scare me or make me anxious – and for sure, I have to be able to get out of the restraints on my own…and, while you bind me, be bossy, but not too bossy. Ok. I’m ready. You may begin.”
I was capable of fantasizing about acts and roles, but never ones that caused actual pain or discomfort (physically or emotionally).
All my life experiences, involving pain, taught me that pain was something to be avoided, but when faced, it was to be endured bravely and then moved beyond. Certainly, no one ever advised me to stop and enjoy the pain – relish in the pain – grow in the pain – feel liberated in the pain – be attracted to the pain. Shoot…orgasm your way through the pain.
Experiences, as a submissive, have taught me that pain is anything but the stagnant concrete word I had always envisioned it being.
Pleasure pain, erotic pain, physical pain, emotional pain… There are so many kinds and dimensions of pain. How in the hell did we ever get to the point where they are all lumped into one word – PAIN – and then feared/avoided to the extent we do?
Submission, in itself, is a form of pain, which brings me back around to the idea of masochism.
The role, and or act, of submission is masochistic.
That statement may make some people wary. They may want to defend submission and tell me that ‘real submission’ it beautiful, and sun-shiny, and takes you to the land of unicorns, lollipops, and rainbows.
And, perhaps that is true. But if you want to stop there, I’m going to call bullshit.
Submission also involves anguish and pain.
At times, it can psychologically feel like a slow meticulous unhinging.
Masochism, like any human condition, runs along a vast spectrum from the mild to the extreme.
I am a submissive. As a submissive, I am a masochist.
In my experience, I cannot separate the two. I cannot say I am a submissive but not a masochist. Because to reach the land of unicorns and rainbows, I have to fight the dragons. I have to stop and feel the pain of submission. I have to learn how to grow through that pain. I have to learn how to embrace that pain. I’m not going to lie, I feel my submission the most when experiencing that kind of emotional pain.
I am submissive for many reasons, a primary one being I like that kind of pain.
Understanding this and stepping onto the masochism spectrum is a big step for me.
It involves my psychologically maneuvering through the stereotypes, stigma, and oppressions, which surround the ideas of masochism and pain.
I was reading some research about “normal”. The researcher was proposing that ‘normal’ actually isn’t a state one should desire. Amongst other things, studies show that ‘normal’ is linked with average intelligence. On the other hand, ‘not normal’ is linked with higher intelligence. The researcher went so far as to associate ‘not normal’ with inner-beauty.
I happen to believe that masochism is a very typical human state – one that can bring about growth and happiness. Apparently, with that thought, I am ‘not normal’.
I also believe that submission is masochistic in nature. Again, ‘not normal’.
I like, really really like, some forms of pain. Certain types of pain take me straight to the edge of orgasm. ‘Not normal’.
I’m going with the research here folks. I’m not normal and that makes me extremely smart and beautiful.
Filed under: Acceptance, Authenticity, Fears, Myths, Pain, Roles
